I belong nowhere. I am not straight. I am not gay. This poses an issue in the LGBTQ community. The gays sneer at me like a wannabe and the straights have branded me, traitor. I turn to the trans since they seem to be the only ones who understand my struggle. Clawing at the surface, I dig deeper to discover who I am. I do not know. At a loss for words, I sit here now in turmoil unsure how to write this post which will correctly convey the darkness in which overwhelms me.
Recently I have submitted my writing to various magazines. I have been declined on most but I will keep pursuing to get my voice out there. I can’t be the only one struggling.
Most of my life I have led a “hetro-sexual” lifestyle. I got married, had kids, and on the surface, all seemed perfect. I have never been sexually attracted to a woman. I found them beautiful but that was as far as any attraction would go. Then one day I meet a woman and let’s just say the rest is history. At the age of 41, I have fallen in love with her. Needless to say, this has caused a lot of confusion among my family and friends. They could not understand how I could love her but do not find women in general sexually attractive. I can’t explain it myself. It’s frustrating.
We have been together since 2012 and since that time there has been heartache, struggle, self-discovery, and yes, victories. In this journey, I have been depressed, suicidal, lost, and felt unworthy. I couldn’t explain to anyone what I was feeling or what I was going through. To make matters worse, the woman I had fallen in love with had to experience her own heartache because of my lack of understanding as to what was happening with me and to us. A break up occurred, reunited, then a whole other set of complications arose- am I straight? am I gay? Who the hell knows? Why is this so difficult? Am I a fraud? and who am I fraud to? the gays? the straights? to myself? to my wife?
I had no one to turn to because I didn’t know where to go and how could I have anyone understand what I was experiencing when I couldn’t explain or understand myself? The isolation was the worst. I never want anyone to feel lonely or lost in their journey. I must get my voice heard.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. It has been the most challenging experience of our lives.
I would love to write about my journey for my readers. Is that something anyone would be interested in? Let me know.
Whoever is reading this post, whoever has this struggle- please know you are NOT alone!!