Home is a sanctuary. A place of peace or so the saying goes. But what about if your home is combative? and yes, somewhat abusive? Where do you go? What do you do? Now I am not saying my home is abusive per se, at least not physically, however, mental, emotional and disrespect has a way of slowly creeping in settling into your bones then eats at you like cancer. You are dying little by little unaware of the impact. Deadman walking.
Physical abuse is horrible. There is no excuse for it and to be honest the abuser is a coward and quite frankly the biggest piece of shit ever to walk the planet. I have lived it and thankfully out of that situation. I am pretty hardcore when I become aware of an abuser. Mentally I set myself in a position to attack if I ever get into a vulnerable situation. My heart and prayers go to anyone that has had to endure such a horrible fate. No one EVER deserves abuse! Let me say that again- NO ONE ever deserves abuse! Today, I am not speaking of physical abuse but rather mental and emotional abuse. The punches may not be physical but the damage is just as severe.
Let’s take a peek into my world……………………Every day I make my way to the kitchen for my morning brew and every day I shield myself from the negative energy that has permanently taken residence in my home. My body stiffens and my mental awareness goes from low to high alert the minute I open my eyes. I am in survival mode. Fight or flight.
As I write this- I feel tense and edit every single word I put on this post. Even in my writing, she controls me- I cannot write freely because of the Darth Vader mind control she has over me. I want to be blunt, honest, candid, and yet my upbringing I try to maintain respect for my elders. But what happens when that respect is not returned? I am apologizing ahead of time for the spottiness of my writing in this blog. My mind is racing going in 100 different directions as I have so much to say while keeping a level of respect. Being raised by my own grandmother I feel obligated to hold that respect. Then to be fair I was also raised by my mother and she was a spitfire taking no shit from anyone. So in honor of my mother, sorry grandma, I will stay true to myself and just tell it like it is. You, my reader, deserve that.
Where do I start- from the beginning I guess………Recently my wife and I moved her grandmother into our home. Well, according to her it is her home and we are her slaves. We are required to be at her beck and call to do whatever she says and do it when she says. Justified in her convictions she feels the right to treat us so comely because she has no respect for us or our marriage. Our marriage is a sham and she just doesn’t understand how two women can be in love much less married. We are a joke to her. I don’t take shit from my own family so why in the hell would I take it from my wife’s? Excellent question. I bow down to her in hoping to keep the peace for my wife’s sake. If I were to rock the boat, my wife gets the backlash. The punishment. When my wife hurts I hurt. She is my wife and I love her. There is nothing I will not do for her. So, I keep my head down, stay quiet, and every day I endure it. If it wasn’t for my wife I would have already packed my bags, told the old broad to kiss my ass and left. This is not the life I want. I have spent so many years in some form of prison only to have gone back into another. How did I get here?
Her grandmother takes mental warfare to a whole different level. She throws a two-year-old tantrum when things are not done when she wants them done. She will get up at 5am to bang cabinets, pots and pans just to wake us up. I honestly feel she Fails to recognize that my wife and I have fulltime jobs to PAY, yes, PAY the bills and maintain the home. When she wants something she wants it NOW! So on to my point- When someone disrespects you or your marriage at what point do you say “fuck you”? Especially when that person LIVES with you and it has become your duty to care for her. Her own son and daughter won’t help take care of her so my wife stepped up in the caregiving role. This whole situation is a fucking nightmare and to put a cherry on this shit sundae we agreed to this! A fair warning would have been nice so it came quite the shock when we moved her in. I would also like to point out that grandma is of sound mind and body. She watches her soaps, shops on QVC, and binge watches the Hallmark channel. Fucking Hallmark. On some days, she goes out for the day to shop, see friends, or just errands. On those days I run around the house naked, cranking up the volume on my stereo and enjoy my freedom. Sometimes my wife will play hooky and join the fun. This is a rare opportunity so we LIVE IT UP! and the best part is- we can have sex! Yes! our sex life is determined if she is home. Needless to say, my wife and I have become creative in maintaining our sex life. BUT that is a whole other topic which if you want to hear about it, let me know and I will blog it. Shit, I may do that anyway.
Ok back to my point. What is my point? oh yes, grandma.. (sigh) I will say that under all her antics she is hiding a heart of gold. This breaks my heart because I know she can be very loving like a grandmother should be. However, she chooses to be controlling, manipulative and yes, abusive. It’s funny how people think abuse only comes in the form of physical. Grandma is mentally and emotionally abusive. She withholds love as punishment, she casts out negativity with slick comments, degrading, condescending remarks aimed to crush you. She aims to defeat you and wear you down to do her bidding. Hell, I have to seek “permission” if I want to decorate any part of the house. I have an office, our bedroom, and the bathroom that I am allowed to decorate as long as it doesn’t conflict with her taste or décor for the remaining of the house. You get my point.
Abuse. It kills. It kills confidence. It kills the soul. I walk out into society bracing myself for remarks, stares, and cruel actions just because I love a woman. I am treated as trash so therefore I have to fight twice as hard just to receive the same level respect as if I were married to a man. Which by the way, I was married to a man and the dynamics of the marriage are pretty much the same as being married to a woman. The difference is the value of the marriage society gives it. I do not allow society or any person to place “a value” on my marriage. It only matters what “WE” value, my wife and I.
I only write this post because I am sure there are many of you out there that have found themselves in a similar situation. It is hard, frustrating, and exhausting. My best advice to you is just BE you. Easier said than done. I know. However, I am learning the only person that can truly control me, is well…..me. Grandma can throw her tantrums, be disrespectful, and abusive but it is how I REACT to her that makes all the difference. I can’t expect her to change. She is doing the best she can the only way she KNOWS how. She does not know any other way. Please understand, I do love her and I see so much beauty in her. As I allow myself to see her differently I start to understand her. I observe her, learn from her and realize the power is mine, not hers. It is me that REACTS to her actions. Therefore, it is MY responsibility to set boundaries. A person will treat you shitty if YOU allow them to. Stand up and set those boundaries. Show that person their behavior is unacceptable. I promise it will not be easy. Change never is but it is well worth it when it is for the greater good. I can’t MAKE grandma respect my marriage but I can sure put my foot down when she steps over the line. Respectfully, of course. The world will not end if I don’t do her bidding. She may think so but by putting up those boundaries I am setting the stage for clear communication and respect. Grandma, you may NOT respect my marriage, or even me as a person, BUT I will not allow YOU to dictate MY value.
Well, my beautiful readers, I will keep you posted on this situation. It is a work in progress. Until then- Be YOU, Be respectful and set those boundaries! Much LOVE to you!
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE A DIVINE SPIRITUAL BEING! LIVE !!